Sunday, 11 July 2010

Huppy World Kuip

Arjen Robben, who Van de Vaart in Heaven
Oranje be thy name.
Heitinga come, and Nigel De Jong,
On Dirk and Giovanni build the eleven.
Give us this Allefay our Boulahrouz,
And Sneijder’s stupendous passes,
As Stekelenburg halts those who try pass against us.
And lead van Bommel not into temper tantrums;
But deliver us from egos.
For thine is Elia, Van Persie and Huntelaar,
Total football forever.

Monday, 24 May 2010


We love a good bit of celebrity news, don't we? Yes we do. First we liked hearing what celebs were doing. Then we liked hearing about what the pampered little arsetards weren't doing. Now, we get to hear about what they are not doing to do, but haven't got round to not doing it yet. Thank goodness I heard about it before I went ahead and actually did something. Something that I regretted. Thank you, The Media:

Sunday, 16 May 2010

Inaugural Trains

Comrades, to the future! London to Glasgow in five minutes!

Seriously though, can't wait for a bit of High Speed Two. But come on, UK PLC. Whack out the mega-wads for some Maglev.

Sunday, 9 May 2010

Bloody Students

Students, like more or less any demographic group, attract a vehement band of haters. Puffy-jawed, fist-waving, red-faced busybodies who'd love nothing better than to walk around all day with a placard shouting generic hate messages at things they don't agree with. Placards saying utterances such as "Down with that!" and "Stop the turdishness!" which could be whipped out en-masse and on-demand to waft vague but explosive derision on anything. Chip-and-pin. Bendy buses. VAT on Jaffa cakes, you name it.

There are such people who have a particular pet hate of students. They imagine students sit around in their pants all day, in a constant stupour, wavering somewhere between drunkenness, enlightenment and poking smartphones on a voyage to near-near-specialism in Study Studies. Step in First Transpennine Trains. How lovely of them, they're running a competition! Clear £1,000 of your student overdraft! That's like, 1,000 pints of Monday night lager! Because, you know students, they're always spending money they don't have. But how to visualise this idea of the student overdraft? What do they spend their money on? Wonder no more...

Aha, behold the funky bank statement. But what's on it? What do First Transpennine Express consider representative spending of your average student's wonga?

Dry cleaning, Indian restaurant dining, off licence, gig tickets, clothing, 24hr groceries and academic books.

Now, let's not get angry here. All of the above are perfectly reasonable expenditures in life, especially as an undergraduate student. You're finding yourself! You're finding other people! How exciting. I'm all for that. However, the above statement suggests that this particular student is willing to spend £66.50 on dry cleaning, but £1.99 at the 'uni bookshop'. That's what I call a lot of dry cleaning. Did you barf your snakebite over the Queen? And what can you get from any academic bookshop for £1.99? Some Biros? The last time I went to such a place, Sloman's Economics still demanded a thick wodge, regardless of the waning popularity of, well, subjects of use to society. I guess what I'd like to see is something like 'RENT: £most of your', and 'BILLS: £almost all the rest of your'.

What this little sociological image shows is that studentship these days is less about academic rigour and commitment, and more about a lifestyle decision, more about chain store coffee consumption than the independent thirst for knowledge, or at least the image of it is. And it's sad that not only is it increasingly noticeable in the levels of conspicuous consumption in the UK's studentship, it's also being reflected in marketing aimed at students. And although it's a flawed argument, generally firms position their marketing in a certain way because their market research suggests that it's the most effective way to convey a message to the right market.

Monday, 3 May 2010

Less Than 20 Word Story #3

Crammed in the lift, I sweated.
"Where's the ricin?", asked Glyn.
"Dropped it," said Frederick, "it's smashed!"
I shat.

Monday, 26 April 2010

On the Radio, oh oh oh oh

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MY HEAD. Goonies never die. I performed this recording dressed only in a toga. I hadn't read anything to suggest that this was against any radio station policy, so I went ahead and did it. I'm rebellious that way, the kind of rebel that works inside the rules. Needless to say, nobody had a problem with the toga. I think the receptionist by the studio quite liked it as she was looking at Wikipedia less frequently than usual that day. However, no elks - a bit of a downer, to be honest.

Monday, 19 April 2010

Postmodern Haiku #4

I had a nightmare;
Monsters shopping all Sunday.
Except it was me.