Of Time and the Shitty

One of the most rubbish things about existing is pretending to like people that secretly you don’t like. Maybe they’re your spouse’s best friend or your son’s brattish chums. Perhaps they’re the teacher that holds the key to your ambitions. Whoever they are, there’s a chance that there’s 1 in your life.

Mine is currently the British film director Terence Davies. He’s recently made this film called ‘Of Time and the City’, which has received good reviews, including getting seriously bummed off in Cannes, and is out in UK cinemas this month. I write a film page which loves things from Merseyside, so I’ve had to cover a lot of Terence’s activity in the last few months. I’ve had a chat with him and watched his stuff and I’ve decided that it’s all self-indulgent pants. However, I have to put him in because he’s local and it’s big waves in a small pond etc.



Except he isn’t really that local. Sure, he’s from Liverpool, but he hasn’t lived there for 25 years. His new film, reinvigorating his career was actually funded using a competition used to inspire creativity and forward-thinking film making in the area. I think it’s a bit cheeky, especially alongside the press kit labelling the film an elegy. Liverpool’s dead, see. At least it has been since Terence Davies decided to leave town.

He’s seen as very poetic, but I see it as over-sentimental, drivelling rubbish by someone who should stick to his cosy rural living and stop inflicting his neuroses upon perfectly innocent members of the public. I don’t have any problem being positive and encouraging about initiatives like his, and support independent film fiercely, but I think this particular foray (and Terence’s involvement) is a con. :(.

Old Computer Games Are Well Good #1

Being retro is well cool. Look at Calvin Harris. He gets out his 'Amiga' and bangs out some 'tunes' and now he's apparently shafted Kylie and is the soundtrack to DFS. Good on him. However, playing old computer games is much more fun and in some cases only takes 5 minutes, considerably shorter than the full length version of 'Acceptable In The 80s'.

Everyone bangs on about Street Fighter this and Mario Kart that, but the best computer game is obviously 'Kick Off 3: European Challenge' by Anco (pictured) on the SNES.



Although people would rather you bought into a bit of old-skool FIFA action, or maybe International Superstar Soccer (pre-cursor to Pro Evo), this particular gem has a flowing game dynamic, as well as the tactical option 'Sit on it'. The rickety gameplay is endearing and honest, which allows you to pull off some funky moves which aren't possible in the more rigid titles of the time. The goalkeepers sometimes erroneously come off their lines for crosses, spilling the ball left, right and centre. There's often an infuriating incident, but the genius lies in the fact that it makes the player feel unlucky, rather than the victim of some AI conspiracy.

Kick Off 3 was also designed in an age when games were getting used to the idea of right and wrong. It's great to play a game in which you can benefit from some outrageous offside decisions or cynical unprofessionalism (Steve Bennett and Mark Clattenburg take note). It even has the state-of-the-art inclusion of the backpass rule, which is groundbreaking for 1993/4. The crowds (fat and penant-waving) sing a wonderful, pitch-shifted rendition of 'Ole Ole'. Basically, the game is brilliant and you should give it a go - if you don't, you deserve to get your eyes popped with rusty pins.

There are loads of other great old computer games, but this is my current favourite. Here you can see me taking on the mighty Anco United. I'm obviously Brazil which is my way of opting into an unobtainable, aspirational lifestyle. It's my 'The Hills', okay? OKAY?!

Download the ZSNES Emulator
Download the Kick Off 3: European Challenge ROM