Old Computer Games Are Well Good #3

I spend a lot of my time on the ol' domestic desktop. I do a lot of my work on it, and because work is officially boring, no matter what it is you're doing, I tend to multitask. I write and research (boring), listen to music (less boring) and play CHAMPIONSHIP MANAGER 01/02 (exciting).

The basic idea is that you manage a football team. The amazing thing about CM01/02, or at least the version I have, is that it appears in a handy little window that you can minimize and come back to. Also, there's an amazing forum where you can download data patch updates, so you can use the wonderful flexibility of the old version, but with all the new players. Also, some clever nuggets have made patches so you can play in the Faeroe Islands or Belarus, or somewhere equally conspicuous. The reason why people have put so much effort into immortalizing CM 01/02 is that many see it as the trade-off between entertaining simulation (which the earlier versions weren't enough of) and overly-exhaustive life transplant (which the later ones are too much of).

I don't like spending too long playing computer games - I like picking them up and at some point putting them down again. CM01/02 has enough options to make it quite fun, but I am not planning every meal for my players, teaching them to read, or wiping their bum-bums. Best of all I get to have a life outside of the game, such as flicking through Spotify, Yahoo! Messenger, or, you know, doing work or something useful.

Championship manager 01/02 Windows torrent
CM01/02 Data Update Forum

Old Computer Games Are Well Good #2

I'm sick of driving around in normal cars. Everyone does it. Brum brum brum - let's go to the supermarket. I don't want to do it in my vital nanoseconds of nonworkdom. Fortunately, the 1990s had it sussed. They didn't want silly more-realistic-than-life Ford Escort-a-thons; oh no, they wanted ridiculous things. No brooding sub-plots and no aspirational speedster bollocks. No, the 1990s was invented for stupid hyper-age fantasies, and wildly exciting they are, too.

The best example of this is F-Zero X on the N64. Slightly less neon than its SNES counterpart (which is relentlessly dazzling, like Shane MacGowan spanking you on the face with a diamond baseball bat), the 64-bit equivalent is whippet-slick and super-space-age. Also, you get to fly around at speeds over 700km/h, which the last time I checked, was enough to wipe your face off.



An integral part of the game is the rather odd and physics-mocking track layouts, which involve a comparably orthodox pipe and half-pipe, but also a more mind-boggling cylinder which involves being magnetically attached to a big worm, which involves getting flung around like an glistening bead of jet-propelled debris. There's 29 other chumps, trying in vain to debunk you in every race as well, which brings a certain pleasure in carving your neon line through the swathes of chaff. And in the classic twist of Road Rash, you get a rival who you can endeavour to pummel the pants off especially. Because you're a citizen of the future, see. You don't have to work, because robots do all that palaver nowadays, and nuclear energy has solved all our problems, so we don't even have to pay any bills. Great, isn't it?

Witness yourself getting whipped upside down and inside out and you'll soon realise that too much F-Zero X is bad for your neck. This too is the genius, as the eccentric curvature of these space landscapes is so convincing that it seems, for a split-second, perfectly feasible to be zapping across these inverted corkscrews and whatnot. In fact, slingshot yourself over 1 of the high-altitude crests and you'll feel your googlies go all googly. It's well Pepsi Max Big One.



Add to that a soundtrack not dissimilar to Mad Capsule Markets having a Prozac party and a commentator that sounds like Sparky the Magic Piano and wham: welcome to the best bit of 1998. Okay, so you can't buy into the F-Zero X lifestyle. But when it's so frenzied, and so pick-up-and-put-downable as this, you shouldn't really want to. And if you do, you're stupid. Because they're space cars AND NOBODY DRIVES SPACE CARS YET.

Download N64 Emulator
Download F Zero X ROM

Old Computer Games Are Well Good #1

Being retro is well cool. Look at Calvin Harris. He gets out his 'Amiga' and bangs out some 'tunes' and now he's apparently shafted Kylie and is the soundtrack to DFS. Good on him. However, playing old computer games is much more fun and in some cases only takes 5 minutes, considerably shorter than the full length version of 'Acceptable In The 80s'.

Everyone bangs on about Street Fighter this and Mario Kart that, but the best computer game is obviously 'Kick Off 3: European Challenge' by Anco (pictured) on the SNES.



Although people would rather you bought into a bit of old-skool FIFA action, or maybe International Superstar Soccer (pre-cursor to Pro Evo), this particular gem has a flowing game dynamic, as well as the tactical option 'Sit on it'. The rickety gameplay is endearing and honest, which allows you to pull off some funky moves which aren't possible in the more rigid titles of the time. The goalkeepers sometimes erroneously come off their lines for crosses, spilling the ball left, right and centre. There's often an infuriating incident, but the genius lies in the fact that it makes the player feel unlucky, rather than the victim of some AI conspiracy.

Kick Off 3 was also designed in an age when games were getting used to the idea of right and wrong. It's great to play a game in which you can benefit from some outrageous offside decisions or cynical unprofessionalism (Steve Bennett and Mark Clattenburg take note). It even has the state-of-the-art inclusion of the backpass rule, which is groundbreaking for 1993/4. The crowds (fat and penant-waving) sing a wonderful, pitch-shifted rendition of 'Ole Ole'. Basically, the game is brilliant and you should give it a go - if you don't, you deserve to get your eyes popped with rusty pins.

There are loads of other great old computer games, but this is my current favourite. Here you can see me taking on the mighty Anco United. I'm obviously Brazil which is my way of opting into an unobtainable, aspirational lifestyle. It's my 'The Hills', okay? OKAY?!

Download the ZSNES Emulator
Download the Kick Off 3: European Challenge ROM