Internet Screengrab Deconstruction Time Again

Do you remember when I looked at that screengrab of msn.co.uk, and started dissecting its unashamed hatefulness? No? It looked like this:



Part One included the irony of persuading people to buy eco-cars in order to be ecologically friendly, and the obvious importance of Michelle Obama's clothing selections. Part Two includes a section on the phenomenon of the Dirty Pervert Curio Wankfest.

3 & 4) The Editor's Picks

The times, they are a-changing. Markets crash, social world orders turned upside down. But don't worry yourself with all that radical palarver, because The Editor is here, and they have decided what we need to be interested in. Dont forget, facts x importance = news. So, The Editor, what have you found for us?

Some men found floating in an ice box. Oh chortle chortle, what a right old carry-on. That's quite funny, chappies floating around, presumably with some cold meats and perhaps a can of Dr. Pepper. Actually, why isn't that on YouTube yet? OH THEY'RE DEAD. For some reason I'm not amused anymore by this trivial wittering and I actually feel a bit sick at the fact that 12 seconds ago I was laughing at an army of blue corpses. My bads.

Still, maybe The Editor is having an off day. Maybe he missed the bus. Maybe he's on a fixed-rate mortgage. Maybe his accumulator failed him on the last bet. What's next? A girl gets raped? She's 12? He's 15? Why is this in the curio section? Why isn't it in the straight-up news bit. Is it because it happened in a leisure centre? Is it because the chap was a chav? WHY IS IT DIRECTLY NEXT TO A LINK TO A SELF ESTEEM TEST?

I would like to know if The Editor is like this in the pub. I would also like to know if his Content Management System has a sick sense of humour. In fact, I feel a lot more at ease with the world convincing myself that some deranged web publishing robot is putting tales of pre-teen rape next to RAF application links, rather than some editor, who is presumably picking up a payslip in return for his efforts.

Epic Fail #1

I am partial to a bit of football. I don't even care where it's being played. I happened upon a Serie B game between US Sassuolo and Brescia, which for some reason kicked off at 3pm Italian time on a Tuesday afternoon. Taking the ungodly hour, as well as the dreadful pitch and weather into account, and a low attendance was always going to be on the cards:

But don't blame hosts US Sassuolo, oh no. They're playing their home games at Modena's Stadio Alberto Braglia, which has a whopping capacity of 20,507, as opposed to their native Stadio Enzo Ricci, which holds a paltry 4,008. Presumably this is due to the whopping demand for Serie B football on dank Tuesday afternoons. More interestingly, visitors Brescia have been in Serie B for a record 53 seasons (ie the cream of the crap), whereas US Sassuolo are at dizzying heights for them, this being their premier foray into the glitzy second tier. For this empty stadium, Serie B, you get a FAIL.

Review of the Century #2

Five Ways to Prepare For 2008.
GRACE Liverpool, 2007.

Did you know that Liverpool is European Capital of Culture for 2008? Of course you did. But being in a cultural city and being cultural are two completely different ways. So, if you’re getting worried at the prospect of all this culture and not being very cultural yourself, then consider the following top five tips for cultural prowess:

1) Grow a moustache.



It is statistically proven that if you have facily hair below your nose, you are more receptive to cultural activity, be it classical music or snorkling. Attaching someone else’s fluff to your face will also help, albeit less drastically.

2) Use new words.

Everyone knows that if you use cultural words then you are a cultural person. Consider adopting phrases such as ‘Indeed’, ‘quite’ and ‘how splendid’. Alternate these expressions with twiddling of your moustache.

3) Buy some fireworks.

Everyone’s doing it. You, the city council, Ken Dodd. If you don’t have casual explosives at your disposal then something is strangely awry. You’re not with it. You’re very uncultural. So blow some things up in a controlled environment and ‘wow’ and ‘whee’ your way to culturedom.

4) Pretend that you’re friends with Phil Redmond.


He invented Brookside and he also invented Liverpool. If it wasn’t for Phil Redmond then Liverpool would be a sludge pit just north of the Overpool Garden Dump. Pretend you know him and watch your social circle multiply. Note: If this is completely unrealistic then at least befriend a former cast member of Brookside and/or Hollyoaks: all are easily located.

5) Put on an event.

It’s quite obvious that anything cultural has to be encased in something that could be described as an exhibition, concert, gig or other experience. Make your own. Perhaps you could invite Ian Brodie to play an acoustic set on your toilet, or get Roger McGough to limerick your cat to sleep. They’re all available at reasonable rates. Treat yourself: 2008 is only going to happen once.

Internet Screengrab Deconstruction Time

I loves me some Photoshop, me. Check out the flagrant boxes I whacked on here. It's a shame you can't draw boxes in Comic Sans.

This screengrab belongs to the United Kingdom offshoot of Microsoft Shit Nozzle (msn.co.uk). It's a hotch-potch of sensationalism, dour social self-improvement articles and 'lazy journalism' (read: journalism by perfectly able journalists who have been given 17 seconds to write a story in the middle of a 52-hour day).

I have a very close relationship with this web page because I do a lot of my communicating via Hotmail, and the Hotmail cyberbouncers throw you into the grim, cold, grey environs of this particular nuclear holocaust in HTML. You see, most people communicate using their faces, but I use Hotmail. So Hotmail is my face, which makes msn.co.uk the inside of my eyelids. Let's have a little looky at the boxes, shall we?



1) Token attempt at being green

It's not easy being green. The hemp trousers, the Great Unwashed look. Comparisons to Bill Bailey and Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall. The slack-jawed look of agoggedness in Tesco. You're trying to save the world so that we're not all swimming around in our own cack and people take the piss out of you. Well, worry no more, as msn.co.uk is on the case, telling you about all the latest green cars that - GASP - are not as rubbish as previously thought.

Well, firstly, msn.co.uk, thanks for reinforcing the idea that eco-cars are meant to be pants. It's a poorly-founded theory which is damning the world to watery apocalypse. You along with Jeremy 'Let's Make Some Jokes About Murdering Prostitutes' Clarkson think it's cool to assume that these cars are somehow inferior due to the fact that they don't spunk out CO2 like a braindead pornstar. Perhaps it's time you realised that the whole need for things like eco-cars, recycling collection points and solar panels is related to the fact that people like you think they deserve to own 3 cars, jet to the Cayman Islands every 4 months and use up the world's oil supply on replica Jeep buggies for your stuck-up excuse for offspring.

Secondly, how about you don't tell me to buy a new car? I don't care if it runs off pure happiness, you've still got to suck the steel from the foundry and all the other precious stuff that to be honest, you don't need to extract because we've got enough cars as it is. Take a trip to Michigan, they've got plenty sitting around there. In fact, you can get them super cheap! Do that! Make it into a holiday! It's more fun than skiing, honest! And while you're at it, die. You don't need any more cars.

This is the point where you look back at the picture and go 'hang on... it doesn't actually say anything about saving the planet.' Yes, that's true. It only says something about saving money. Because we're in a credit crunch, see, and we need to save money. So, for you, here's a great money-saving tip. Tell everyone you know. It's brilliant. BUY LESS STUFF.

2) Era-defining analysis

I'm not sure if you've heard about this, but there's going to be an African-American president in charge of the USA, for like 4 years. It's monumental stuff for reasons that are much better explained by other people. But forget about all that, it's all pretty trivial. Just because people are saying it's amazing now doesn't mean that it's going to last very long. It could be a flash in the pan.

Oh no, if you want the real legacy on this story, you'll have to delve deeper than that. You have to delve deep inside First Lady Michelle Obama's wardrobe. What is she wearing? Why is she wearing it? I'll admit that there are socio-political consequences of anything that Michelle Obama might do/say/wear, but let's face it, no one was going all crazy about Barbara Bush. Which makes this particular parade a reinforcement of the 'Empowered Female Icon'* construct. Forget the politics, the foreign policy, the global economic meltdown. That girl got class, y'all.

* who happens to be fit.

Review of the Century #1

Album: Hot Club De Paris - Drop It Til It Pops. 8/10.
Published NEU Magazine, 2006



Ahoy there! Wry scouse speed-indieists Hot Club De Paris have been firing warning shots across our bows for a while already. Now that two moshi moshi singles, 'sometimesitsbetternotto...' and 'everyeveryeverything' are out on the open seas, it seems plain sailing. So why all the hackneyed marine references?

First, the album cover has fish on it. Secondly, lots of words, related to the sea and maritime culture appear throughout this album, some of which are 'galleon', 'seaside' and 'pier'. Opener 'Shipwreck' slaps you in the face with some yo-ho-ho-ing that has the texture of a very heavy and quickly-slung kipper. And there are lots of lolloping, rolling vocal singalongs.

'Drop It Til It Pops' has a tendency to sound like any band you don't think it should sound like (see Pixies, Dexy's Midnight Runners and the Minutemen). With HCdP however, you're more struck by the fact that nothing has been drenched in effects, rather just been played very well. And the tunes, if sometimes lacking in recognisable structure, aren't that bad either.

One word of warning, though. Hot Club De Paris are not fond of playing things in comfortable time signatures. This is dance for dyspraxics. They strut like juddering sea-bound creatures, restricted not by time but by the fact there is only three of them to share out the words. And although 'Drop It Til It Pops' is very good, sometimes you get the feeling that their dabbling in complex time structures is dabbling for dabbling's sake. Or even worse: a fear of sounding like one of those boring, land-loving bands that only play in common time.