GRACE Liverpool, 2007.
Did you know that Liverpool is European Capital of Culture for 2008? Of course you did. But being in a cultural city and being cultural are two completely different ways. So, if you’re getting worried at the prospect of all this culture and not being very cultural yourself, then consider the following top five tips for cultural prowess:
1) Grow a moustache.
It is statistically proven that if you have facily hair below your nose, you are more receptive to cultural activity, be it classical music or snorkling. Attaching someone else’s fluff to your face will also help, albeit less drastically.
2) Use new words.
Everyone knows that if you use cultural words then you are a cultural person. Consider adopting phrases such as ‘Indeed’, ‘quite’ and ‘how splendid’. Alternate these expressions with twiddling of your moustache.
3) Buy some fireworks.
Everyone’s doing it. You, the city council, Ken Dodd. If you don’t have casual explosives at your disposal then something is strangely awry. You’re not with it. You’re very uncultural. So blow some things up in a controlled environment and ‘wow’ and ‘whee’ your way to culturedom.
4) Pretend that you’re friends with Phil Redmond.
He invented Brookside and he also invented Liverpool. If it wasn’t for Phil Redmond then Liverpool would be a sludge pit just north of the Overpool Garden Dump. Pretend you know him and watch your social circle multiply. Note: If this is completely unrealistic then at least befriend a former cast member of Brookside and/or Hollyoaks: all are easily located.
5) Put on an event.
It’s quite obvious that anything cultural has to be encased in something that could be described as an exhibition, concert, gig or other experience. Make your own. Perhaps you could invite Ian Brodie to play an acoustic set on your toilet, or get Roger McGough to limerick your cat to sleep. They’re all available at reasonable rates. Treat yourself: 2008 is only going to happen once.
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