Letters Page #3

People, people, people. What have you done? You came so far, all the way from prehistorical spermatoid protozoa, to hulking champions of this sphere and beyond. What a valiant, unprecedented odyssey. But wait! We've got distracted with things like CCJs, Loose Women and brand loyalty. Now we're too busy selling each other coffee to realise that we're making a mess of the world.

Oh well, don't worry about that. If you've got a problem/neurosis, just spaff your stupid little thought to someone like me, and I can spaff an answer back at you.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang: What's the Sanskrit translation for 'nothing in life is to be feared, only understood?'

Bang Bang Bang: I don't know. Just remind me never to take you to Auschwitz, lest you decide not to fear another Holocaust, and instead strive to 'understand' the Third Reich. The same goes for your fervent quest to understand Pol Pot, heinous crime and the commodification of life saving medicine/energy/food technology. Tattoo that on your bicep. It'll look really good when you're 50 and it's flapping around like a fat pancake.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang: I've gt 2 months until da N-Dubz gig and I still got 2 lose 16lbs. I weigh 12st. Does Bang Bang Bang fink I cn do it?

Bang Bang Bang: Yes, you can certainly do it. You just need to stop eating. The best thing about losing weight is that when you reach your target weight, you can choose another target weight to reach. Bang Bang Bang suggests you aim for 0st 0lbs. Don't eat anything until you reach that weight. When you do, I'll have a lovely Dappy-esque woolly hat to wrap you up in. You'll look really good when I toss you into the sea, I promise.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang: Can someone who has been declared bankrupt go to Florida in America for a 2 week holiday?
Bang Bang Bang: Yes they can. This is possible due to the recent emergence of the Insufferable Selfish Twat Holiday Experience market. While you are there, hordes of penniless urchins will pester you for change. But they don't need it! They are merely there for your pleasure, so feel free to spit on them and mock them for their honest, real-world values, like you do with the rest of the world. Optional extras include in-room TV service which warns you when charity adverts are going to appear 1 minute before they actually do, and your own personal golliwog.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang: Please find me the perfect property to rent; as close to Liverpool street station as possible, around £500pcm per person (2 or 3 best) and with concierge, sauna, pool etc. Good luck!

Bang Bang Bang:

Apparently the rent is free.

Review of the Century #8

Movieplex - The Crate Escape
Liverpool.com, 2008

Sick of the same, over-chiseled summer Hollywood blockbusters? Want to try something completely different? You could do exactly that at Movieplex: World Cinema In A Nutshell, coming to a Liverpool near you.

Movieplex, which will be at Princes Park (1-3 August) and St. George’s Square, William Brown Street (7-10 August), is a travelling cinema and museum, encased entirely within two shipping containers. Outside they might look uncomfortable, but inside they’re lush, with a whole load of interesting exhibits and an art-deco style viewing room. In the first room, visitors will be welcomed by 2 ‘Dutters’ (like Trekkies, but more fun) to receive a short museum tour, and will then be whisked into the second, screening room to watch a short film.

Movieplex is a project created by nutkhut (Sanskrit for ‘mischievous’) and happened as a stroke of amazing luck. Co-artistic director Ajay Chhabra was being taken around Merseyside by friends while touring a different project, the outdoor dance spectacular ‘Bollywood Steps’. In an antique shop in Wallasey, he uncovered an Edwardian box, in which was a long-lost and forgotten copy of the 1920’s, ‘Docker and the Rose’ by Shanta Rao Dutt (or simply ‘Shanta’). The find was a massive stroke of luck, and there are hopes that it’ll improve Shanta’s profile in the UK. “There are a lot of lost stories out there,” said Ajay, “but today information is at your fingertips, so it’s important to see things from new, different perspectives”. ‘Docker and the Rose’ has since been conserved and digitised by the North West Film Archive, and is now touring the UK as part of Movieplex.

Shanta Rao Dutt was a filmmaker at the turn of the century. The son of a poor miniature painter, he travelled the world making documentaries and ended up on the Mersey. He made the film using non-actors - dockers and the like – and the result is a 9-minute wonder – slightly dramatic, but very light-hearted and undeniably Liverpool, just like the shipping containers. “It would have been obvious to have Movieplex in a museum, a building, a ‘place’” said Ajay, “but we make massive outside projects. We just want everyone to see it. It has been really important to make it fun. We see a lot of kids leaving, laughing and giggling. It’s about uncovering friendship”.

Sure to be a hit for kids and grown-ups alike, you have to free up some time for Movieplex. Weighing in at a super-convenient 20 minutes, and at 2 different locations in Liverpool, you’ll have the most fun humanly possible in a couple of shipping crates.