Letters Page #4

That's right, kids! It'd the return of the BBBPPP retard gawp-o-thon. Seriously though, stop laughing. It's not funny. Gogol would have argued that you're just laughing at yourself - that's bad enough. But the truth is you'd be laughing at the utterly horrific absurdity of modern society, which also includes injustice, ignorance and devoted self-absorption. Welcome to the 21st century - look how far we've come.

LOOK DADDY, NO BRAIN CELLS!

Take, for example, this particular specimen:

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Dear BBBPPP, if you had a row with your ex and a few weeks later ask her come for a drink with you and she texts you saying: "Seriously now, why would I meet up for a drink after how you have spoke to me?" What does she want me say? What is she saying?

BBBPPP: She's saying that she's surprised to have found someone as idiotic as herself. The tragicomic irony is that due to this idiocy, she is yet to work out the significance of it all and you are yet to work out that she is a tit.

Then...

Dear BBBPPP: If a girl says shes over her ex when you get with her and says she's falling for you. Then you end it and she says she still loves her ex and wants him back, but he has a new girlfriend and is happy with her. Then the girl is supposed to be dating someone else now. What should you do and whats going on in her head?

BBBPPP: Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. You should alert the nearest nurse as you've got a flatliner on your hands. In the mental sense, there is nothing going on in her head. She has still got the audacity to be suckling on the planet's painfully finite resources, yet manages to contribute nothing but migraines.

Then...

Dear BBBPPP: Why would your ex-girlfriend, who you ain't spoke to for a month and she says she doesn't want you, start to have ago at you when you have just spoken to your mate, who she says she kissed last week but he denies it, asking why I was having ago at him then she starts to cry after you have ago back at her then tells everyone you pushed her when you didn't?

BBBPPP: Because she's an attention-seeking psycho? Honestly, maybe she's right, and you're just forgetting how much of a spurt you are. Maybe you did push her. Anyone who hasn't yet decided to move on with their life has a mental imbalance and could be capable of anything.

Then...

Dear BBBPPP: Why would your ex say nasty things that hurt you?

BBBPPP: Because you won't leave her alone and maybe word has got out that you're spending all your time querying this issue to third parties. TIME TO MOVE ON, BUDDY.

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Love, eh?

Letters Page #3

People, people, people. What have you done? You came so far, all the way from prehistorical spermatoid protozoa, to hulking champions of this sphere and beyond. What a valiant, unprecedented odyssey. But wait! We've got distracted with things like CCJs, Loose Women and brand loyalty. Now we're too busy selling each other coffee to realise that we're making a mess of the world.

Oh well, don't worry about that. If you've got a problem/neurosis, just spaff your stupid little thought to someone like me, and I can spaff an answer back at you.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang: What's the Sanskrit translation for 'nothing in life is to be feared, only understood?'

Bang Bang Bang: I don't know. Just remind me never to take you to Auschwitz, lest you decide not to fear another Holocaust, and instead strive to 'understand' the Third Reich. The same goes for your fervent quest to understand Pol Pot, heinous crime and the commodification of life saving medicine/energy/food technology. Tattoo that on your bicep. It'll look really good when you're 50 and it's flapping around like a fat pancake.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang: I've gt 2 months until da N-Dubz gig and I still got 2 lose 16lbs. I weigh 12st. Does Bang Bang Bang fink I cn do it?

Bang Bang Bang: Yes, you can certainly do it. You just need to stop eating. The best thing about losing weight is that when you reach your target weight, you can choose another target weight to reach. Bang Bang Bang suggests you aim for 0st 0lbs. Don't eat anything until you reach that weight. When you do, I'll have a lovely Dappy-esque woolly hat to wrap you up in. You'll look really good when I toss you into the sea, I promise.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang: Can someone who has been declared bankrupt go to Florida in America for a 2 week holiday?
Bang Bang Bang: Yes they can. This is possible due to the recent emergence of the Insufferable Selfish Twat Holiday Experience market. While you are there, hordes of penniless urchins will pester you for change. But they don't need it! They are merely there for your pleasure, so feel free to spit on them and mock them for their honest, real-world values, like you do with the rest of the world. Optional extras include in-room TV service which warns you when charity adverts are going to appear 1 minute before they actually do, and your own personal golliwog.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang: Please find me the perfect property to rent; as close to Liverpool street station as possible, around £500pcm per person (2 or 3 best) and with concierge, sauna, pool etc. Good luck!

Bang Bang Bang:

Apparently the rent is free.

Letters Page #2: Nincompoop Special.

Society is full of imbeciles. I have to wipe their sinewy slaver off my brow eevry day, as they relentlessly press the button labelled 'ENGAGE GUFFHOLE' and let rip. I, in response, have to pander to their trivial whims so, this letters page explains exactly 'what', 'why' and 'what the fuck' (as in 'what the fuck are you still existing for?). Here are 3 letters I received from 1 person.

NB: THIS IS A TIME OF GLOBAL ECONOMIC CRISIS.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang, I need a low-ish interest loan. My credit rating is low due to an IVA 6 months ago. Where's best?

Bang Bang Bang: There's a bunch of loan companies who'll loan dopes like you money. Yes Loans springs to mind. They'll rip you off and rob your telly, though.

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Previously, Bang Bang Bang received this letter from the same person*:

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Dear Band Bang Bang: Can you give me a travel insurance quote for the USA the 9th october to the 5th November?

Bang Bang Bang: Hang on, you're going to America for a month?

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And prior to that particular letter, Bang Bang Bang also received this from the same, IVA-clad individual:

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Dear Bang Bang Bang: How will I get two thousand pounds to buy the horse I want?

Bang Bang Bang: Do not buy a horse. In the future you'll run out of money (possibly from buying this horse that I'm telling you not to buy). Then you'll be locked into an IVA and will require a high-interest loan to buy more shit. You will not be able to pay back this loan and your tickets to America, as well as your horse and your telly will be stolen. Unfortunately they will not dismantle you to sell for spares.

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And finally...

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Dear Bang Bang Bang, Who was the gorgeous bloke in the canteen? And will i ever see him again?

Bang Bang Bang: Yes, if he works as a bailiff, a cutting-edge ITV investigative journalist (Peaches Geldof or Anne Widdecombe), or for some reason he hasn't run the fuck away from you and your horse-faced, Yankee-doodle financial fuckfest yet.

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* homosapien epic fail .

Letters Page #1

I’m quite the oracle. People ask me for advice and information all the time. Here’s the letters page, where you can see what they ask, and also what I say in response. Somehow I find the time to get around to all these people, but that’s because like all oracles, I’m an ubermensch. Not in a Nazi way, obviously.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang, what is my dad's full name?

Bang Bang Bang: Your dad's full name is Angus Tarquin Kenlock. His name is as idiotic as your face. He can play the bagpipes very well, and is world famous for his knowledge of origami and cake decorating, whereas you are world famous for getting on everyone’s tits.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang, is smoking weed bad?

Bang Bang Bang: Yes. The long term effects of cannabis use aren't proven, but smoking it can cause respiratory disease and exacerbate pre-existing mental health problems. However, anything that speeds up your mortality appeals to the notion of ‘the greater good’. Keep it up.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang, is ‘damedable’ a word?

Bang Bang Bang: No, 'damedable' is not a word. You may mean 'damnable' which means something that is possible to be damned. An example is 'your depressingly poor grasp of the English language is damnable’.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang, will I get a job?

Bang Bang Bang: Yes, you will get a job within two months’ time and it will be in the media industry. You will start as an assistant but will soon be promoted to Chief Bell End. Before you know it you’ll be selling advertising space to the Third World and you’ll be using your immense stacks of money to simultaneously wipe your bum and ignite the mud huts of your paupered neighbours.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang, why is poo brown?

Bang Bang Bang: The brown colour of faeces comes mainly from bilirubin, a pigment that arises from the breakdown of red blood cells in the liver and bone marrow. However, in your case modern science hasn’t yet found out why it incessantly decides to leave via your mouth, rather than from your anus.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang, what’s sex?

Bang Bang Bang: Sex is defined as 'sexual intercourse', usually the penetration of the vagina by a penis. It can also mean the category of gender to which one is assigned. To you, it could also be defined as an ‘abstract concept’.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang, is being an A&R Assistant a cool job?

Bang Bang Bang: Yes, being an A&R assistant is a very cool job. It involves helping people to scout out talent and doing a lot of high-profile media industry hobnobbing. You can look forward to working for 15 hours a day for nothing, getting paid only in coke, which is in turn used as a voucher for erectally violating your anal rim. On top of that, you can only hope to be distrusted by both your organisation as well as the artists that you’re meant to represent and be ‘pally’ with. The best bit is that the truly creative types hate you just as much as the fat bastards with the green dollar signs for pupils. Congratulations: you’ve made it.

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Thank you. Until the next time, I don't care.