Huppy World Kuip

Arjen Robben, who Van de Vaart in Heaven
Oranje be thy name.
Heitinga come, and Nigel De Jong,
On Dirk and Giovanni build the eleven.
Give us this Allefay our Boulahrouz,
And Sneijder’s stupendous passes,
As Stekelenburg halts those who try pass against us.
And lead van Bommel not into temper tantrums;
But deliver us from egos.
For thine is Elia, Van Persie and Huntelaar,
Total football forever.
Amstel.

NEWSFLASH - CELEBRITY NOT YET ABOUT TO NOT DO SOMETHING

We love a good bit of celebrity news, don't we? Yes we do. First we liked hearing what celebs were doing. Then we liked hearing about what the pampered little arsetards weren't doing. Now, we get to hear about what they are not doing to do, but haven't got round to not doing it yet. Thank goodness I heard about it before I went ahead and actually did something. Something that I regretted. Thank you, The Media:

Inaugural Trains

Comrades, to the future! London to Glasgow in five minutes!

Seriously though, can't wait for a bit of High Speed Two. But come on, UK PLC. Whack out the mega-wads for some Maglev.

Bloody Students

Students, like more or less any demographic group, attract a vehement band of haters. Puffy-jawed, fist-waving, red-faced busybodies who'd love nothing better than to walk around all day with a placard shouting generic hate messages at things they don't agree with. Placards saying utterances such as "Down with that!" and "Stop the turdishness!" which could be whipped out en-masse and on-demand to waft vague but explosive derision on anything. Chip-and-pin. Bendy buses. VAT on Jaffa cakes, you name it.

There are such people who have a particular pet hate of students. They imagine students sit around in their pants all day, in a constant stupour, wavering somewhere between drunkenness, enlightenment and poking smartphones on a voyage to near-near-specialism in Study Studies. Step in First Transpennine Trains. How lovely of them, they're running a competition! Clear £1,000 of your student overdraft! That's like, 1,000 pints of Monday night lager! Because, you know students, they're always spending money they don't have. But how to visualise this idea of the student overdraft? What do they spend their money on? Wonder no more...

Aha, behold the funky bank statement. But what's on it? What do First Transpennine Express consider representative spending of your average student's wonga?


Dry cleaning, Indian restaurant dining, off licence, gig tickets, clothing, 24hr groceries and academic books.

Now, let's not get angry here. All of the above are perfectly reasonable expenditures in life, especially as an undergraduate student. You're finding yourself! You're finding other people! How exciting. I'm all for that. However, the above statement suggests that this particular student is willing to spend £66.50 on dry cleaning, but £1.99 at the 'uni bookshop'. That's what I call a lot of dry cleaning. Did you barf your snakebite over the Queen? And what can you get from any academic bookshop for £1.99? Some Biros? The last time I went to such a place, Sloman's Economics still demanded a thick wodge, regardless of the waning popularity of, well, subjects of use to society. I guess what I'd like to see is something like 'RENT: £most of your', and 'BILLS: £almost all the rest of your'.

What this little sociological image shows is that studentship these days is less about academic rigour and commitment, and more about a lifestyle decision, more about chain store coffee consumption than the independent thirst for knowledge, or at least the image of it is. And it's sad that not only is it increasingly noticeable in the levels of conspicuous consumption in the UK's studentship, it's also being reflected in marketing aimed at students. And although it's a flawed argument, generally firms position their marketing in a certain way because their market research suggests that it's the most effective way to convey a message to the right market.

Less Than 20 Word Story #3

Crammed in the lift, I sweated.
"Where's the ricin?", asked Glyn.
"Dropped it," said Frederick, "it's smashed!"
I shat.

On the Radio, oh oh oh oh

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MY HEAD. Goonies never die. I performed this recording dressed only in a toga. I hadn't read anything to suggest that this was against any radio station policy, so I went ahead and did it. I'm rebellious that way, the kind of rebel that works inside the rules. Needless to say, nobody had a problem with the toga. I think the receptionist by the studio quite liked it as she was looking at Wikipedia less frequently than usual that day. However, no elks - a bit of a downer, to be honest.

Bang Bang Bang Pow Pow Pow - 4 Feb 2010 by Bangbangbangpowpowpow on Mixcloud

Postmodern Haiku #4

I had a nightmare;
Monsters shopping all Sunday.
Except it was me.

Radio BBBPPP Strikes Again

Oh look, another radio podcast. Aren't we all lucky duckies?

Bang Bang Bang Pow Pow Pow - 21 Jan 2010 by Bangbangbangpowpowpow on Mixcloud

Crifty Crafty Update #2

I do craft, remember? Brooches, badges, coasters, necklaces, hair barettes, medallions, lifestyle solutions, cool point opportunities. I do it all. I'm doing it at this craft fair in Stoke Newington on 10-11 March, details below.

It has been arranged by Of Cabbages and Kings who sell some stuff in a shop in the area. So good on them. I hope to sell lots of stuff and show off my fancy new business cards. You should definitely come along and say hello, perhaps buy something. Apparently cups of tea are going to be 20p a go. So get involved with that, at least.


DETAILS:

10-11 April 2010

11am - 5pm, Abney Hall, 73a Church Street, Stoke Newington, London N16 0AS

FREE ENTRY

From designer knitwear and hand-printed stationery to glitzy jewellery and gorgeous home wares, each weekend a different selection of designers and makers will be peddling their wares.

Hot and cold drinks and tasty treats available

http://www.ofcabbages.co.uk/OCK-News.htm

NICE PICTURES:

Don't forget, you can also buy my craft from my online store, or by contcating me for more information. I do commissions and I am currently a very poor student, so am willing to be exploited.

Personal Genius: Gruff Rhys

I love Gruff Rhys. Look at him:


He's mostly known for being the lead singer for Welsh-o-phile indie-psych-rockers Super Furry Animals. However, here are some other reasons why I like him:

1) He looks like he should be in a Personal & Social Education (PSE) video about respecting the Countryside Code:


2) In his Neon Neon side project with Boom Bip, he created the album Stainless Style, a commentary on the life and times of DeLorean creator, John DeLorean. Said album actually sounds like a DeLorean in its kitch retrofuturism, it's really quite marvellous. I would like someone to suggest to Messers Rhys and Bip that their next album should be entitled 'Oh Mumsie! The Richard O'Brien Experience'. Actually don't, that's my idea.


3) Super Furry Animals' Welsh-language album 'Mwng' is the highest selling Welsh-language album of all time and for this reason got a mention in Parliament, and the Welsh Assembly:


4) I would not be surprised to learn that he has been an extra in Welsh lanugage soap opera, Pobol Y Cwm. However, I could not find any evidence, so here you go:


5) In the top photograph he is holding a keyboard that I own, a rather special Casio effort that comes with song cartridges. there is a Beatles one but sadly no Super Furry Animals one. What this does prove is that we should be friends so if anyone could pass the memo on, please do.

So, Gruff Rhys:

1) Friendly face
2) Sensitive historian
3) Political pioneer
4) Potential TV star
5) Casio enthusiast like me

Lovely stuff.

Living in a Box

Idols. Leaders. Inspirations. We all need them. The problem is, they're generally human, and humans die. And when they die, they're gone, at least physically speaking. Of course you can say their spirit lives on, and stuff like that, but unfortunately, they're not there, and considering my only interactions with massively influential people is that I get shouted at by them, it's quite a big difference.

Anyway, this needn't be a problem anymore, thanks to taxidermy. Enter academic behemoth University College London - so attached were they to their utilitarian founder Jeremy Bentham, they stuffed him:

Quote: "Hiyaaaa!"

What is better is that they have also put him in an action pose, inside a box on which is written 'JEREMY BENTHAM'. Anyway, I was reminded by this as I walked past him the other day, and by this rather stoic notice on the BBC's front page:


Apparently they got Stuffed Bentham and made him attend the UCL big wig meetings, where they would vote on things and Jez would be marked down as 'absent'. Touching stuff. It's quite easy to be sentimental about things after you've stuffed said things and they can't shout back at you: 'I AM NOT ABSENT, I AM JUST FULL OF FEATHERS'.

Deviant Sexual Practices Afoot

Again, some classic commentary from the MSN web output mandible:


A year? That's some mad tantric sex thing right there. Is that legal? Wouldn't some kind of rot set in? Isn't that more Ashley's cup of tea? Answers on a postcard before things start to get sick.

Also, wouldn't a year-long video eat up the world's bandwidth something awful? We all know how crazy we are for a bit of over-intrusive celeb coverage, after all...

Our Radio Rocks

I've got a radio show and have done for some while. It is on www.rarefm.co.uk from 3-4pm on Thursdays. It's really good and you should listen to it, to be honest.

But sometimes people can't tune in for whatever reason, so I got told about this amazing website called MixCloud, where I can create podcasts of my shows. It's really fantastic and easy to use. More Importantly, it's easy for you to use, so you can listen in and whatnot. How fantastic. Yes!

Bang Bang Bang Pow Pow Pow - 10 Dec 2009 by Bangbangbangpowpowpow on Mixcloud

I mean, just try this baby out for starters! I'll be posting these up on the blog as and when they happen. You can also access all this stuff via http://www.mixcloud.com/bangbangbangpowpowpow/ .

Also, don't forget you can enjoy the BANGBANGBANGPOWPOWPOW Spotify playlist: BANG BANG BANG POW POW POW

Don't wet yourselves too much, like.

Crifty Crafty Update

I do craft, you know? Brooches, badges, coasters, necklaces, hair barettes, medallions, lifestyle solutions, cool point opportunities. I do it all. I'm doing it at this craft fair in Stoke Newington on 6-7 March, details below.

It has been arranged by Of Cabbages and Kings who sell some stuff in a shop in the area. So good on them. I hope to sell lots of stuff and show off my fancy new business cards. You should definitely come along and say hello, perhaps buy something. Apparently cups of tea are going to be 20p a go. So get involved with that, at least.


DETAILS:

6-7 March 2010

11am - 5pm, Abney Hall, 73a Church Street, Stoke Newington, London N16 0AS

FREE ENTRY

From designer knitwear and hand-printed stationery to glitzy jewellery and gorgeous home wares, each weekend a different selection of designers and makers will be peddling their wares.

Hot and cold drinks and tasty treats available

http://www.ofcabbages.co.uk/OCK-News.htm

NICE PICTURES:

Don't forget, you can also buy my craft from my online store, or by contcating me for more information. I do commissions and I am currently a very poor student, so am willing to be exploited.

NEWSFLASH - THE MOON IS ON THE EARTH

I was reading the highly informative feature section on the MSN website. Travel Editor, Simon Busch was feeling whimsical enough to compile a list of the most boring places on Earth. Fair enough, some places are pretty boring, but in the grand scheme of things even Coventry is pretty luxurious, with its lack of starvation, relatively adequate sanitation facilities and abundance of roundabouts. Just because somewhere doesn't provide all the vim and vigour that one may personally require to make their own beige existence more acceptable to them, that doesn't mean to say it's all Slough's fault. I think people should make their own fun and quit whining.

Still, kudos to Simon for thinking out of the box on his feature:



The issue being that, as far as I'm aware, the moon isn't 'on Earth'. In fact, the picture itself shows the moon as a different entity to Earth. Is a picture editor having a quick chortle to himself here? Or does Simon know something we don't?

To be honest, making fun of MSN's editorial frontliners is a bit of a low blow. Most of these people are operating on around 12p an hour, having to churn out 'content' which is 'accessible' to a 'wide audience' under 'demanding time pressures'. All of which combines to make for pretty atrocious reading. And I haven't even started on the comments below the articles, which I shall refer to as 'ENGAGE GUFFHOLE'.

Still, there lesson here is pay peanuts, get monkeys. Not that Simon Busch is a monkey, but the readership is certainly being treated like one. A bulbous, collective monkey brain, babbling incoherently about Katie Price while gyrating against the activity play area in their local park.

WE HAVE CONTACT

Hi,

you can now email me at bangbangbangpowpowpow@gmail.com

That is all.