This screengrab belongs to the United Kingdom offshoot of Microsoft Shit Nozzle (msn.co.uk). It's a hotch-potch of sensationalism, dour social self-improvement articles and 'lazy journalism' (read: journalism by perfectly able journalists who have been given 17 seconds to write a story in the middle of a 52-hour day).
I have a very close relationship with this web page because I do a lot of my communicating via Hotmail, and the Hotmail cyberbouncers throw you into the grim, cold, grey environs of this particular nuclear holocaust in HTML. You see, most people communicate using their faces, but I use Hotmail. So Hotmail is my face, which makes msn.co.uk the inside of my eyelids. Let's have a little looky at the boxes, shall we?
1) Token attempt at being green
It's not easy being green. The hemp trousers, the Great Unwashed look. Comparisons to Bill Bailey and Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall. The slack-jawed look of agoggedness in Tesco. You're trying to save the world so that we're not all swimming around in our own cack and people take the piss out of you. Well, worry no more, as msn.co.uk is on the case, telling you about all the latest green cars that - GASP - are not as rubbish as previously thought.Well, firstly, msn.co.uk, thanks for reinforcing the idea that eco-cars are meant to be pants. It's a poorly-founded theory which is damning the world to watery apocalypse. You along with Jeremy 'Let's Make Some Jokes About Murdering Prostitutes' Clarkson think it's cool to assume that these cars are somehow inferior due to the fact that they don't spunk out CO2 like a braindead pornstar. Perhaps it's time you realised that the whole need for things like eco-cars, recycling collection points and solar panels is related to the fact that people like you think they deserve to own 3 cars, jet to the Cayman Islands every 4 months and use up the world's oil supply on replica Jeep buggies for your stuck-up excuse for offspring.
Secondly, how about you don't tell me to buy a new car? I don't care if it runs off pure happiness, you've still got to suck the steel from the foundry and all the other precious stuff that to be honest, you don't need to extract because we've got enough cars as it is. Take a trip to Michigan, they've got plenty sitting around there. In fact, you can get them super cheap! Do that! Make it into a holiday! It's more fun than skiing, honest! And while you're at it, die. You don't need any more cars.
This is the point where you look back at the picture and go 'hang on... it doesn't actually say anything about saving the planet.' Yes, that's true. It only says something about saving money. Because we're in a credit crunch, see, and we need to save money. So, for you, here's a great money-saving tip. Tell everyone you know. It's brilliant. BUY LESS STUFF.
2) Era-defining analysis
I'm not sure if you've heard about this, but there's going to be an African-American president in charge of the USA, for like 4 years. It's monumental stuff for reasons that are much better explained by other people. But forget about all that, it's all pretty trivial. Just because people are saying it's amazing now doesn't mean that it's going to last very long. It could be a flash in the pan.Oh no, if you want the real legacy on this story, you'll have to delve deeper than that. You have to delve deep inside First Lady Michelle Obama's wardrobe. What is she wearing? Why is she wearing it? I'll admit that there are socio-political consequences of anything that Michelle Obama might do/say/wear, but let's face it, no one was going all crazy about Barbara Bush. Which makes this particular parade a reinforcement of the 'Empowered Female Icon'* construct. Forget the politics, the foreign policy, the global economic meltdown. That girl got class, y'all.
* who happens to be fit.
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