Letters Page #1

I’m quite the oracle. People ask me for advice and information all the time. Here’s the letters page, where you can see what they ask, and also what I say in response. Somehow I find the time to get around to all these people, but that’s because like all oracles, I’m an ubermensch. Not in a Nazi way, obviously.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang, what is my dad's full name?

Bang Bang Bang: Your dad's full name is Angus Tarquin Kenlock. His name is as idiotic as your face. He can play the bagpipes very well, and is world famous for his knowledge of origami and cake decorating, whereas you are world famous for getting on everyone’s tits.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang, is smoking weed bad?

Bang Bang Bang: Yes. The long term effects of cannabis use aren't proven, but smoking it can cause respiratory disease and exacerbate pre-existing mental health problems. However, anything that speeds up your mortality appeals to the notion of ‘the greater good’. Keep it up.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang, is ‘damedable’ a word?

Bang Bang Bang: No, 'damedable' is not a word. You may mean 'damnable' which means something that is possible to be damned. An example is 'your depressingly poor grasp of the English language is damnable’.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang, will I get a job?

Bang Bang Bang: Yes, you will get a job within two months’ time and it will be in the media industry. You will start as an assistant but will soon be promoted to Chief Bell End. Before you know it you’ll be selling advertising space to the Third World and you’ll be using your immense stacks of money to simultaneously wipe your bum and ignite the mud huts of your paupered neighbours.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang, why is poo brown?

Bang Bang Bang: The brown colour of faeces comes mainly from bilirubin, a pigment that arises from the breakdown of red blood cells in the liver and bone marrow. However, in your case modern science hasn’t yet found out why it incessantly decides to leave via your mouth, rather than from your anus.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang, what’s sex?

Bang Bang Bang: Sex is defined as 'sexual intercourse', usually the penetration of the vagina by a penis. It can also mean the category of gender to which one is assigned. To you, it could also be defined as an ‘abstract concept’.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang, is being an A&R Assistant a cool job?

Bang Bang Bang: Yes, being an A&R assistant is a very cool job. It involves helping people to scout out talent and doing a lot of high-profile media industry hobnobbing. You can look forward to working for 15 hours a day for nothing, getting paid only in coke, which is in turn used as a voucher for erectally violating your anal rim. On top of that, you can only hope to be distrusted by both your organisation as well as the artists that you’re meant to represent and be ‘pally’ with. The best bit is that the truly creative types hate you just as much as the fat bastards with the green dollar signs for pupils. Congratulations: you’ve made it.

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Thank you. Until the next time, I don't care.