Letters Page #2: Nincompoop Special.

Society is full of imbeciles. I have to wipe their sinewy slaver off my brow eevry day, as they relentlessly press the button labelled 'ENGAGE GUFFHOLE' and let rip. I, in response, have to pander to their trivial whims so, this letters page explains exactly 'what', 'why' and 'what the fuck' (as in 'what the fuck are you still existing for?). Here are 3 letters I received from 1 person.

NB: THIS IS A TIME OF GLOBAL ECONOMIC CRISIS.

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Dear Bang Bang Bang, I need a low-ish interest loan. My credit rating is low due to an IVA 6 months ago. Where's best?

Bang Bang Bang: There's a bunch of loan companies who'll loan dopes like you money. Yes Loans springs to mind. They'll rip you off and rob your telly, though.

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Previously, Bang Bang Bang received this letter from the same person*:

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Dear Band Bang Bang: Can you give me a travel insurance quote for the USA the 9th october to the 5th November?

Bang Bang Bang: Hang on, you're going to America for a month?

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And prior to that particular letter, Bang Bang Bang also received this from the same, IVA-clad individual:

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Dear Bang Bang Bang: How will I get two thousand pounds to buy the horse I want?

Bang Bang Bang: Do not buy a horse. In the future you'll run out of money (possibly from buying this horse that I'm telling you not to buy). Then you'll be locked into an IVA and will require a high-interest loan to buy more shit. You will not be able to pay back this loan and your tickets to America, as well as your horse and your telly will be stolen. Unfortunately they will not dismantle you to sell for spares.

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And finally...

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Dear Bang Bang Bang, Who was the gorgeous bloke in the canteen? And will i ever see him again?

Bang Bang Bang: Yes, if he works as a bailiff, a cutting-edge ITV investigative journalist (Peaches Geldof or Anne Widdecombe), or for some reason he hasn't run the fuck away from you and your horse-faced, Yankee-doodle financial fuckfest yet.

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* homosapien epic fail .